Dating in College
Elle Woods and Emmett Richmond in 'Legally Blonde'.
Dating in college is complex. People are figuring out who they are and what they want, and many are finally getting the opportunity to have relationships with people that aren’t based on “we’re of the same group, so I guess we’re friends,” but based on deeper connections and commonalities. If and when attraction enters the equation, we often take things too personally, judge too rashly, and too often fail to see the bigger picture beyond our desires.
Worse, we’re used to hearing all types of no-doubt exaggerated, one-sided “context” that distorts our perceptions of social interactions in general.
(So much of college is just dude’s trying to one-up each other. Take everything with a grain of salt. A bit more if it’s tequila. But seriously, all relationship stories are extremes, cuz the healthy ones are boring. You only hear about car crash victims, never the people who make it home safely and without an issue.)
Another day. Another dude. Same questions. Same canned responses. But I got a rep to uphold.
Question 1: “Yooo, G, who was that girl you were walking with?”
Response: “Which one?”
Question 2: “Who you texting?/Who just called?”
Response: (Looks around in exaggerated panic) “Bro, keep your voice down!”
Question 3: “Seriously, how many dates have you been on?”
Response: “Seriously? I’m offended you think I’d know that number.”
Question 4: “Who’ve you dated?”
Response: “Probably easier to tell you who I haven’t dated.”
I miss that hat. And that shirt. And that eyebrow ring.
Want to know my secret? Grab a notebook.
I have no game. Zero. I have no idea how to “talk to girls”. My social anxiety is off the charts and I suck at lying.
When our school debuted an on-campus match-making service, I was one of the first to be asked to participate--just cuz I know my manners.
So what’s up with the questions, then?
Lying is hard, but misdirection? Easy.
I was involved in everything in college, so I was always talking to people. So, I wasn’t lying. It could be anybody. About anything. [BATMAN BEYOND IMAGE - YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LITTLE THAT NARROWS IT DOWN]
People like to gossip, and the only stories I want to go around campus are the ones I spread, with the details I choose to give (mostly withhold).
I am no Casanova and I refuse to have your expectations imposed upon me or to have to explain myself.
Literally true. There’s like 9 billion people on Earth.
Wait, so you can’t help?
With what? I never specified anything. I can’t help you “date” but I can help you rethink some of the concepts.
Like I said, I don’t know how to “talk to women”, but I do know how to talk to people. And stop me if you’ve heard this one before--but women are people. The reason I’ve talked to a lot of women is because I’ve talked to a lot of people. And about 50% of people are women.
I’m silly and playful, enjoy laughing, and am naturally curious about people and their experiences, and I’ve got stories for days, and for any occasion. As a result, I’ve found myself in an array of date-like experiences, but for the most part, they fall under three distinct categories, which I will call Type-A Dates, Type-B Dates, and Type-C Dates. The designations will become clearer later on.
May these experiences help you keep your head clear should you find yourself mired in your own thoughts!
Date Type-A: Actually a date, and sometimes followed by a relationship.
Story: The universe made a mistake and things worked out somehow.
Analysis: Y’all will all learn about yourselves through these. You’ll figure out answers to questions about boundaries, the risk of compromise, choosing who we’re attracted to, letting go. You’ll test and get tested, and determine the type of partner you want and want to be.
Good luck.
Date Type-B: “But I thought this was a date” date
Still don’t know…
Story: How was it not a date? We’d been talking regularly for a while now. We’d laughed long into the night. Several times. We’d text til morning. Often. She’d save my messages. She loved my writing style and could hear my voice when she read them, and she’d read them when she sought solace. We’d find each other at parties and hang, and find ourselves leaving to hang somewhere else. We’d invite each other along to certain events. She responded FAST when I asked her to dinner, which was a fancier spot this time, and before the check came we’d usually have plans for the next hang out all set.
At some point I’d walk her back and I’d perhaps make a move. And then the evening would dissolve into something like the following:
“Woah, wait, what’re you doing?”
“Uhhh…well, like…I mean…I thought you enjoyed the date, and like….”
“Oh…you thought it was a date? Not just hanging out like we always do?”
“Yeah, but like, you know, this is just us, from the start. And, I mean, like, don’t you like me like that?”
“I mean, I do like you, just not like that. I was just really happy to have a guy friend I could trust and had this much fun with. You’re a good guy--just not my type. I’m so sorry if you feel like I led you on….”
Did things get awkward after? You betcha. What did I get for all my troubles? A new friendship, redefined and with clearer boundaries, and some wisdom.
Date Type-C: “Cuz how was I supposed to know it was a date?” date
Story: How was this a date? I mean, sure, we’d talked. For a while. We’d often talk and text and laugh late into the night. Several times. She did inform me that she’d saved some of my texts, cuz apparently she loved my writing style, and I think she said something about reading them in my voice and turning to them when she needed some comfort. And, yea, we’d often find ourselves at parties or events, and we’d hang. Small campus. And sure, sometimes we’d invite each other to stuff--she’s fun to hang out with! I responded real fast when she invited me to dinner but that was just to get that notification sign off my screen--I’ve always hated those. We’d chill as usual, have a good time, and usually by the time the check came, we’d probably talked about something else we could check out later. It’s real nice to have a lady friend who’s just a friend, you know?
Often, these would end with me walking her home, saying goodnight, and waking up to a confusing text. I’ll generalize as best I can, but the type of response you get is much more reflective of the other person’s experiences, mindset, and personality.
“What’s your problem? What kinda game is this? We have this great date and then you just ghost me?”
“Wait, what? Did you say…hold on…we’re hanging in like two days and you got tons of work! But, hold on, did you say “date”?”
“Obviously! Why the hell else do you think I was all dressed up?”
“Well, I mean, it was a nicer spot, so like…Look, I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea. I thought we were just chillin’ as usual. You’re great and I love hanging out, but I never thought of like…look, no offense, you’re great, but I never thought…”
Did things get awkward after that? You betcha. Once things settled, you know what she got for her troubles. For mine, I got a really good lesson in misinterpreting actions and emotions.
You can only get better at handling it. At least half of the situation really isn’t even up to you.
The Lesson
Type-C was wild. I know Type-B intimately, and I’d never want a friend to experience that type of embarrassment, let alone perpetrate it myself! Now, though, rejection doesn't feel as painful as it used to, and I know how to better reject to spare the other person. We humans really do know how to blow things out of proportion in our heads. Sometimes, it’s us who choose to take it personally.
And let’s be real, even MJ realllly didn’t need to most of the time.
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