The college experience we all hear about is more than the sum of the college experiences we hear all about. The clarity of the picture in mind often determines whether something is a defining brushstroke vs. a nigh-ruinous splatter.

Wednesday night. It’s Rush. Roomie’s going to pledge, so he wants me to tag along to a party tonight. Friday is test day though. And based on my previous scores…

“Dude! Wasted Wednesdays! C’mon!” he interrupts.

He can get pushy – too pushy – sometimes.

“True, You can always study tomorrow,” I tell myself. My instinct tells me I’m doing alright in the class, but is it alright enough for a professor I want to work with this coming summer? Roomie’s still waiting for an answer.

What would you do?

The best way to think about it is to

Imagine your life on campus.

You’ll be living there, after all. On campus. You’ll have friends there. Rivals. Enemies, even. Maybe jobs, or internships, or research opportunities. Hobbies. Clubs. Activities. Events. Responsibilities. Duties and obligations.

It might sound familiar, but don’t conflate that with “the same”. Pick any spot on a river – it’s the same and totally different. Same old and brand new.

Consider what it means – college. It’s a (new) place with (new) people and (new) social rules and dynamics. And unless you plan to have mom or dad move into your dorm room, or are going with all your friends, you’ll be managing these on your own.

And isn’t that the best part? After all,

NOBODY knows you. Even if you don’t really know you, 1000% no one else does. So the way I see it – the way you should be seeing it – is that this is one of the few times in your life when you KNOW that you can reinvent yourself, be who you want to be!

So when I tell you to imagine your life on campus, I’m telling you to ask yourself…

Should you…

Be who you have been?

Be who you are?

Be who you could be?

Be who you might be?

Be something else entirely? My imagination is not your limit.

***Homepage of Brown's chemistry dept. (didn't know my face became part of the school's banner until my friend showed me)***

Recognize that each “you” is not the same. Imagine which “you” goes to that party described above. One “you” guiltily goes because he doesn’t want to disappoint his friend – making friends is hard. One “you” happily goes to meet people – making friends is fun. One “you” stays at home and studies, distracted, a victim of FOMO. Another “you” stays and studies, pushing FOMO out with images of their future resume. If you pass the test described above, each “you” will learn a different lesson. If you fail, each feels the hit differently.

The point is there will be decisions, and having a “you” in mind will empower you (yes, YOU) to make the decision you really want to make for yourself.

If that “you” is still in gestation when decisions need to be made, then decisions will be made. For you. Perhaps not by you.

Ngl, I’m trying to make you anxious. Anxiety is my goal.

Because anxiety? Stress? They’re not the enemies. They make sure you’re prepared for the tests – be it academic, social, psychological, ethical, or whatever else – to come.

Before we continue, let me clarify this anxiety of which I speak, because it’s not the “what can go wrong” type. Nah. It’s the “how do we make it right?” type.

These posts will proffer no predictions, just considerations, experiences, and consequences. I’ll try to point out stones that might need turning over, using scenarios based on not only my experiences but those of the many people I’ve come to know. I’ll offer frames and re-frames to think through.

Imagine your LIFE on campus.

Prepare yourself for that life.

***Me "feeling ambivalent" about returning to Brown in the Providence Journal newspaper***

Narrow down what you want. Exclude what you don’t. We don’t chart a course and hope to stay on it; we steer ourselves in desired directions so our destinations remain within reach.

We set rules for situations to make us far less likely to compromise ourselves and far more likely to end up where and how we want to be.

We write them down because we’re serious about what we want.

Yeah, I know. What to even write? Maybe this will help.

Consider your priorities:

GPA?

Set minimum study hours per week and max party hours. Worried about burning yourself out?

Limit your extracurriculars – maybe pre-select two, and leave one opening for exploration. The biggest events overlap with exam periods – take it from me, that is a lot of stress to handle at once.

Want to be more social? Lots of different ways to do that…

Decide what kind of friends you want. Friendships forged at parties are generally tempered with alcohol alone. Friends made in class will give you potential study partners. Those met at student club events will likely be strengthened by that activity. Let your objectives guide your search.

Worried about specific peer pressure?

Repeat after me: “I need to check my schedule.” “Let me get back to you.” “I can’t right now.”
Opportunities are rarely once-in-a-lifetime. Give yourself time to make a clear-headed decision that aligns with “you”.

Just not sure?

Imagine this. In another timeline, in another universe, that “you” you want to be? – you already are. Ponder that “you”, and then ask them for advice.

What if I can’t stick to these?

Forgive yourself, and try again.

And just because I’m feeling generous, here are some guidelines that have helped me.

You don’t have to be mean, but always be kind to yourself before anyone else.
If you’re going to be wrong, it’s better you don’t wrong yourself in the process.
a. You can’t avoid regrets, and sometimes life is about choosing the regret you’d rather have.
b. If you’re going to regret something, better that regret come from a place of self-love and -respect rather than from seeking others’ approval. Make it your mistake that you made – not their mistake that you made.

#1 is most important, but kindness takes consideration. And I know you think you’re worth some level of consideration if only because you made it to this – the end.

College: The 4 Best Years of Your Life on Purpose